Wishing, Hoping, Dreaming, Praying, and “The Wisdom to Know the Difference”
Previously we talked about the difference that attitude makes. Our ability to be happy, to be productive, and to enjoy life, depends on our ability to make the most of whatever we have without wasting time and energy wishing we had something different. Another way of describing the process of making the most of the moment would be to accept and adapt.
The “serenity prayer” used by the Twelve Step movement, captures this process beautifully. It begins: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” To tie this concept in with last month’s column I would paraphrase this portion of the prayer by saying: rather than whining, than bemoaning the hand we’ve been dealt, the secret to happiness and joy is to accept the givens, the things we can’t change, and to adapt to that reality by making the most of what is.
Acceptance is the Zen of coping. It is a discipline that is rooted in an understanding that it is not only futile to bang our heads against the walls in our lives but it also gives us a headache. If we bang long enough and hard enough it can cause permanent injury or death.
From acceptance flows adaptation. Adaptation is the art of decorating the wall, planting flowers at its base, using its shadow for shade, its height and density for protection, its boundaries for clarification. Adaptation completes the process of acceptance, of making the most of what is.
The prayer continues, “…the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” To tie this concept in with last month’s column I would paraphrase it by saying, it is extremely difficult if not impossible to know how to change our lives if we haven’t first learned to accept the things that are truly intransigent and insurmountable. The more energy spent on head banging, the less we are able to find the potential openings in the wall, or the best place to build a ladder or a bridge over it.
“Wisdom” is the key to overcoming the walls, the barriers, the obstacles, and the disabilities in our lives. Wisdom tells us what we must accept in order to overcome. It tells us where to cut our losses and where to invest our resources. It tells us how to choose our battles. Once we have that understanding, and the peace that comes with accepting the reality we understand, we are free to change our lives and our world.
But wisdom alone, and the acceptance and adaptation that flow from it, is not enough. Some people are very good at acceptance and adaptation but are complete failures at the change part. Without moving on from adaptation to change, we have simply made peace with defeat. Granted, it is better to be at peace with the givens in our lives than to waste time and energy flailing against them, but stopping at this point is to miss the point of life entirely. Yes, there are walls that prevent us from cruising through life and easily reaching our dreams. And there are chasms, rivers, oceans, thick forests full of flying monkeys, swamps crawling with alligators and snakes. But they are not intended to keep us from change, from realizing our dreams. They simply define the challenge.
Last month I used the metaphor of modeling clay to represent the combination of obstacles and opportunity. The clay, its quality, texture, makeup, consistency, etc. is that which we must accept and that to which we must adapt. Wisdom helps us understand the degree of pliability in the clay in order to find the best way to mold it, to change it, to build upon it, to suit our purposes.
But there’s one more quality that is not reflected in the serenity prayer, that is essential to this process, and that is vision. Wisdom tells us what can be changed, where to focus our efforts. But vision tells us what the change can look like. And this is where people are most likely to trip up.
Vision is the ability to see or know what we want, what could or can be, of envisioning change. These four words: wish, hope, pray, dream, reflect the four basic approaches people have to envisioning change. Remember the old song, “Wishing and Hoping?” There are lots of songs about dreaming. And we’ve just talked about praying the serenity prayer. Let’s look at these four words one at a time.
Wishing is almost the same thing as whining. It often accompanies or follows whining. We wish upon a star that the walls in our lives would magically go away, or that our knight or princess in shining armor would come and carry us over. We wish things were different. But that’s the extent of it. We can visualize the life we’d like to have, but assume we are helpless to create that vision ourselves. We depend on being rescued. Wishing is vision without faith.
Hoping is wishing with optimism. Hope is the belief that wishes might come true, that change is possible. It is a step in the right direction, but only if we use it as a stepping stone to something more. Otherwise, we are simply stuck on a rock in the middle of a stream. That isn’t much different from being up the creek without a paddle.
Dreaming is active, while wishing and hoping are passive. Dreaming is not only the ability to envision the lives we want to create, the future we want to enjoy, but it is the act of internalizing that vision. We’ve often heard or used the expression, “follow your dreams.” That is not accidental. The nature of dreams is that they draw us into action. The beckon to us and pull us forward. Dreamers never settle, never give up, never give in. They believe in the vision they posses. They are in the process of making their dream, reality.
Praying can be one of two things. Not everyone prays, but those who do either tend to think of prayer as wishing out loud to God (another version of wishing on a star), or claiming God’s power, in partnership with our own effort, to effect change. Therefore praying is an added dimension to vision. The wishers pray for rescue. The dreamers claim the power to succeed. The wishers may be religious but they are not faithful, even when they pray. The dreamers may not be religious but they are faithful, even if they don’t pray, and by living their dreams, they make their lives a continuous prayer.
I have two favorite songs that reflect the nature and power of dreaming to create the lives we want to have, to determine our own future and destiny. The first is a song by Abba, “I Have a Dream.” If you’ve seen “Mama Mia!” you’ve heard it. The second song is, “I Believe I can Fly.” I Believe I can Fly is, from the Michael Jordan movie of a little confusing because it sounds like it is on the Mamma Mia soundtrack.few years ago.”
The first talks about vision. It says if you can appreciate the “wonder of the fairy tale,” you can see “the future, even if you fail.” This makes me think of a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt. “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
The second talks about the freedom and power that come from having the ability to believe that dreams can and do come true, that if we spread our wings, they will carry us. Our dreams give us a reason to make the effort.
In my first career, I was a protestant minister. I wrote my own prayers and blessings. The “benediction” I used most often was this: “Go from here with open arms, with heads held high, and with love in your hearts. Each one of us is beautiful and loved by God. Always remember that. Always believe in yourselves. Always believe in your dreams. And if your dreams go up in smoke, build new dreams and follow them. Grab hold of your future and change your world. Be everything you can be. Be at peace with your neighbor and your God. And be happy.”
Next: Faith, Spirituality, and the Law of Attraction coming soon